


baby i must be blind

by bobaisbest



Series: modern romance [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-28
Updated: 2020-04-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23886685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bobaisbest/pseuds/bobaisbest
Summary: Maybe one day, Jaehyun will work up the nerve to talk to Youngho without throwing himself into a nervous fit.But that day is not today.
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Series: modern romance [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1721617
Comments: 33
Kudos: 258





	baby i must be blind

**Author's Note:**

> note: the characters in this story take part in excessive drinking. be warned!

When Jaehyun was in university, he had a lot of dreams which went like this: the walls are closing in, slowly at first but then fast, very fast, too fast. The air around him constricts, making it hard to breathe, and there’s something loud approaching, so unbelievably loud that Jaehyun closes his eyes, squeezes shut in panic, and bursts of color fill his vision. It’s almost unbearable, the way he’s nowhere one second and everywhere the next. His mind is eclipsing, the space is reducing, the noise is coming, louder and louder and louder— and then he wakes up.

These days, it’s not so bad but there’s still…something. Instead of being closed in, Jaehyun is strung out, the walls becoming wider and wider until eventually, there are no walls. Only space, endless space, drifting afloat, and somehow, that felt just as bad as when the walls used to be smaller.

This is normally something he’d complain to Doyoung about but there’s something making him keep his mouth shut. Maybe it’s the fact that he’s twenty-three years old and still having nightmares. It’s kind of pathetic, and he doesn’t want to be called pathetic. Not that Doyoung would ever say something so mean, but still…it’s Doyoung. Doyoung, who’s up for a promotion at work, who’s planning to propose to Taeyong by next year, who has his five— no,  _ ten _ year plan laid out immaculately. 

No, he won’t tell Doyoung, or any of his friends for that matter. It’s easy to become distracted when he sees them. But it’s also dangerous when all they want to do is—

“No, I don’t want to drink tonight,” Jaehyun hisses into the receiver. He’s just left the office and the sun is receding into the horizon. His phone rang the minute he stepped out.

“Don’t be like that,” Doyoung insists. “It’s been an eternity since I’ve seen you. Taeyong misses you too.”

Jaehyun can actually find it in himself to feel bad because it really has been forever since he’s seen them. They are a lovely couple who Jaehyun loves spending time with, if you ignore the fact that Doyoung always picks the  _ most _ expensive places to eat and Taeyong loves his boyfriend too much to  _ not _ indulge him. So Jaehyun is always stuck paying a bill that’s enough to cover a week’s worth of groceries and really, they are a very nice couple but Jaehyun is just not feeling it tonight.

“How about lunch tomorrow?” he amends, trying not to wince at the pricey brunch places Doyoung would be sure to suggest. But Jaehyun would rather pay for an overpriced omelette than an overpriced drink. He doesn’t even want to think about the money they would spend in the bars downtown.

“Lunch sounds good,” Doyoung agrees, and Jaehyun starts to grin. “You’ll need it after tonight’s hangover.” Jaehyun’s smile drops off his face.

“Why are you so fixated on drinking?” he asks, exasperated. “Are you celebrating something? Can I please be excluded?”

“Oh, it’s nothing like that,” Doyoung replies. “Today is just the first time in awhile that Youngho is free. He’s just been so busy, you know, with his thesis and all.”

“Who the fuck is Youngho?” Jaehyun asks, sifting through his mind for anyone he might’ve met named  _ Youngho.  _ He comes up with nothing, which is strange because usually people forget who Jaehyun is, not the other way around.

“Youngho? You know Youngho,” Doyoung says, sounding so sure that Jaehyun can’t tell which one of them is going crazy here. “Remember? Summer after junior— well, I guess it would’ve been your sophomore year.”

Jaehyun makes a soft noise of confusion. Everyone was on campus during that break. They were all so bored and so  _ drunk. _ Oh, he remembers that summer. But he doesn’t remember a Youngho.

“I have no idea who you’re talking about.”

“Are you sure?” Doyoung asks incredulously. “Because I definitely remember you guys meeting— oh. You know what, it’s Johnny. He goes by Youngho now.”

“Oh, Johnny…” Jaehyun echoes, faintly remembering that yes, Taeyong had a childhood friend who is currently a PhD candidate at a prestigious local university and yes, Jaehyun has definitely met him and yes, it has been fucking forever since they’ve seen each other.

“Yes, that Johnny,” Doyoung confirms in a snap. “So, yes? You’re joining us tonight? No bars though, just my place. We’re trying to keep this cheap since, you know, Youngho’s a broke graduate student.”

“Well, I guess that’s—”

“Alright, see you soon.”

And then Doyoung hangs up.

  
  
  
  


The summer after sophomore year was memorable because Jaehyun had just returned from his study abroad program and the campus had welcomed him back with open arms, as if it had been missing him for the five months he had been gone.

Everyone seemed to be stuck there, trapped in summer classes or whatever menial research positions they had decided to surrender their fate to. Campus out of session was very quiet and very boring and it appeared that the only way to remedy this was to party nearly every day of the week.

Such a practice was not something Jaehyun particularly looked forward to but these were his  _ friends,  _ who he had not seen in so long, and it was easy to indulge them when he knew he didn’t have to wake up for class at nine in the morning. It had been tiring, requiring amounts of social endurance that had Jaehyun burning out every week. Sure, he had his fair share of nights out back in London, but what he did not expect was for all his friends to turn into raging alcoholics while he was gone. 

They trekked everywhere, closing out bars on the main street almost every night. Jaehyun recalls meeting new people, then forgetting the next day.  _ Sleeping  _ with people, then forgetting the next day. He’d hang his head in shame as Doyoung laughed his head off during their morning McDonald’s runs. Yes, the nights were memorable, even if Jaehyun forgot most of them.

They had been meeting and talking to so many new people that it was inevitable one of them would stick. Jaehyun was skeptical at first when Doyoung admitted that he was seeing someone, but his doubts disappeared when he finally met Taeyong. What they had was new and precious and still needed a lot of work, as the next few months of complication would prove, but something inside Jaehyun always believed that Doyoung and Taeyong were endgame. Doyoung with Taeyong was softer, and Taeyong was so shy and pretty and underneath that demure exterior, so very happy to make new friends.

Taeyong’s own friends were laid back, easy to talk to, and simultaneously very cool. Jaehyun felt out of his element, just a stupid rising sophomore drinking with graduated seniors who were hanging around for one last hurrah before their campus leases expired. But it was fine because they were warm, treating Jaehyun with a kind of respect he’d never received as a freshman. Oh, Jaehyun remembers Taeyong’s friends and most of all, he remembers Johnny, tall and friendly and good-looking in the most casual way...

Jaehyun’s face heats up as he realizes exactly how good-looking Johnny— oh, well, Youngho had been. It’s stupid. This is stupid. Jaehyun should’ve told Doyoung no, because he’s about to make a fool of himself in front of someone he hasn’t seen in basically years. And really, isn’t that just the worst?

  
  
  
  


Because the world likes to be unkind to Jaehyun, he steps into Doyoung’s apartment and realizes that Youngho unfortunately did not become uglier in the time that Jaehyun hasn’t seen him. In fact, it seems like he’s become  _ more _ attractive as he grows into his age and Jaehyun kind of wants to shove his head into a wall.

“Oh, hello,” Youngho greets, voice deep, and Jaehyun feels his soul leave his body.

“Hi,” he manages, taking his shoes off as quickly as possible. “It’s been a long time.”

“It has,” Youngho responds, light and teasing as he leans back in Doyoung’s living room couch. “You still remember me?”

“Uh, yes. I do,” Jaehyun says, his ears turning red as his mouth flaps unattractively like a fish. “I didn’t forget—”

“Don’t make fun of him,” Taeyong scolds as he ushers Jaehyun inside. “It’s Doyoung’s fault for not mentioning that you go by Youngho now.”

“I didn’t know!” Doyoung yells from the kitchen. “It’s not my job to keep track of Youngho’s identity. I didn’t realize how long it had been since you’d seen each other.”

“It’s been so long,” Youngho agrees. “Almost three years?”

“Yes,” Jaehyun replies. “Three years.” But it might as well be zero, because he feels twenty again: young, stupid, and completely smitten with one Johnny Seo.

“Well, you can catch up over some drinks,” Doyoung says, setting a bottle of Grey Goose down onto the coffee table. A chill runs down Jaehyun’s spine.

_ “Doyoung,”  _ he hisses. “Are you trying to kill me? I haven’t even eaten dinner.”

“Don’t worry, we ordered in,” Taeyong says, joining them on the couch. But as cute as he is, Taeyong’s reassuring smile does nothing to distract Jaehyun from the way Doyoung is already setting out the shot glasses.

“We can’t drink like we’re still in college,” Jaehyun protests. His voice is getting weaker by the second.

“Speak for yourself.” Youngho’s smile is big and warm as he tilts the alcohol to his mouth. “I’m still stuck in school.”

“Yes, so drink,” Doyoung orders, pushing a glass in his direction. Jaehyun takes it with shaky fingers.

It’s as the alcohol runs down his throat that Jaehyun realizes this: it doesn’t matter if he tried to deny Doyoung. Because it’s like he’s twenty again: young, stupid, and incapable of saying no.

  
  
  
  


A hand is tapping his shoulder, like his mother used to do when she woke him up to catch the early bus to junior high. But Jaehyun is twenty and only sleeps in his childhood bed when he visits for the holidays, so it must be a dream. He sighs quietly and nestles back into the warmth, pleading for five or six more hours of sleep.

“Hey!” Doyoung shouts, slapping him hard this time.

“What—” Jaehyun groans, forcing his eyes open.

He slowly blinks out of sleep, realizing in great horror that it was not a pillow he fell asleep on but Johnny, right in the crook of his well-muscled chest (is Johnny secretly ripped? Jaehyun can never tell under the loose shirts he wears all the time.) Jaehyun sits straight up, almost toppling off the couch.

“Are you good?” Johnny asks, half smiling and half smirking. He holds a hand to Jaehyun’s waist, steadying him, and Jaehyun prays for a bolt of lightning to descend and strike him dead right here and now.

“Umm,” he says, too tired to become flustered but probably still managing to look stupid. “What happened?”

He answers his own question by looking around, empty glasses and bottles on Doyoung’s living room floor all scattered around a deck of Cards Against Humanity. Yes, Jaehyun remembers now. Taeyong received his expansion pack in the mail and Doyoung turned it, like he does with everything else, into an exaggerated drinking game.

“It’s nearly four in the morning,” Doyoung says, tossing empty cans into the trash. “Do you wanna head home?”

Jaehyun lets out a loud groan, throwing his head back onto the couch cushions (and  _ not _ on Johnny, thank you very much.)

“I don’t want to walk all the way home,” he whines. “Can’t I crash on this couch?”

“You can’t,” Doyoung tsks. “That’s where Taeyong is sleeping.”

“We all know that’s not true,” Jaehyun mutters, already gathering his things because he can recognize when he’s lost the battle. “You just want to fuck in peace.”

“UM!” Taeyong screeches. He turns so red that Jaehyun kind of feels bad for putting him on blast.

Then Johnny laughs with that big smile of his and Jaehyun feels his irritation melt straight away. The sound is bright and uplifting, like a chorus of birds on Saturday morning and Jesus Christ, Jaehyun really needs to tone it down before his ears start turning red.

“Come on,” Johnny says, standing up and pocketing his keys. “I’ll just drive you home. It’s on my way back anyways.”

“Oh— um, are you sure? Really, it’s okay, uh,” Jaehyun blubbers.

“Of course it’s fine,” Johnny says, tugging Jaehyun’s arm so he stands up too. “I’m already sober and you look super tired.”

“Just go,” Doyoung orders, clearly with other things on his mind.

So Jaehyun goes, because he’d rather pass out in the passenger seat of Johnny’s car than try to sleep through the sound of Doyoung and Taeyong fucking in the bedroom. It’s fine because he didn’t feel like walking across campus so late (early?) anyways. Really, it’s fine.

-

Johnny is the perfect gentleman on the whole ride home, not that Jaehyun has expected him to be anything else, but it makes it that much harder to talk to him as the drive nearly lulls Jaehyun to sleep.

He’s never been left alone with Johnny before. Jaehyun knows he’s only ever invited because of Doyoung. Doyoung, who is attached to Taeyong, who is attached to Johnny. There’s three levels of separation here and Jaehyun feels like he’s intruding, just a spectator on the sidelines. But Johnny has never made him feel that way, which makes him all the more confused.

“You alright?” Johnny asks, sending over a cursory look of concern while they stop at a light. It seems like Johnny has been shooting him a lot of these looks lately, like he’s taking care of a child. Jaehyun wants to sink into his seat.

“I’m fine,” he mumbles. “Turn left here.”

There’s a moment of silence when Johnny turns on the blinker before the normal hum of the road resumes. And then he speaks, which wakes Jaehyun immediately.

“You said you had a paper due tomorrow?”

Jaehyun blinks, watching streetlights fly by before turning to Johnny. Yeah, he did say that, but he didn’t think anyone was listening.

“I finished most of it,” he replies. “Just needs— uh, proofreading.”

“I see,” Johnny says. “How many credit hours are you taking? Three? Four?”

“Six,” Jaehyun says. The number sounds daunting in his mouth. “The classes I took during study abroad were pretty bullshit, so I’m trying to catch up. I’m actually—” his voice grows smaller, “—pretty behind on things.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Johnny chuckles. “You still have two years. And summer courses are hard, you know? Because they’re accelerated. Take it easy.”

The same words coming out of Doyoung’s mouth would have been a lecture (which is fine because who  _ hasn’t _ received a lecture from Doyoung at some point in their lives?) But from Johnny, it’s...different. It sounds genuine and caring, like he actually gives a fuck about Jaehyun. As to why he would do that, Jaehyun can’t even imagine.

“I’ll try to do that,” he says, unsure if he’s sad or relieved when Johnny pulls up to the curb in front of the shitty campus apartment that he’s leasing for the summer. He unbuckles his seatbelt, about to mumble a  _ thanks _ and bolt, when a hand on his shoulder stops him.

“Yes?” he asks, at a loss for what Johnny could possibly want from him.

“Ah, sorry,” Johnny says, retracting his hand at the realization that he must’ve shocked Jaehyun. “I just wanted to say that if you ever needed anything, like a ride home or something, I’m just one call or text away— oh. You don’t even have my number, do you?”

“No, I don’t.”

And then Jaehyun sits through another agonizing thirty seconds, watching Johnny key his contact information into his phone.

“Got it?” Johnny says, handing his phone back.

“Yeah,” Jaehyun replies under his breath, sending him a quick text—  _ this is Jaehyun  _ —so he has his number too.

“Great,” Johnny smiles. “And I meant it, you know? Let me know if you ever need anything. I know I’m only in town for another month, but it doesn’t hurt to ask.”

_ Oh, but it really would hurt, _ Jaehyun thinks.

“Thanks,” he says instead. “And— uh, thanks for letting me fall asleep on you.” His ears are definitely red right now. “Congrats on your PhD program, by the way.”

And then Jaehyun ducks out of the car, sprinting to his apartment and busting through the front door so quick that he doesn’t even spare a glance behind him. He’s sure that if he did, he would’ve seen Johnny wait for him to get inside before driving off. That just seems like something nice Johnny would do.

It’s entirely stupid because Jaehyun should be focusing on school, not crushing on some senior who won’t even be here through the end of summer. Soon, Johnny’s lease will expire and he will move to the city to start graduate school. He’ll advance his career, make new friends, and probably forget all about Jaehyun. That’s just the way it is.

  
  
  
  


There’s a knock on the walls of his cubicle, a noise that only Yuta is capable of making because everyone else has the decency to at least shoot over an email before bothering their colleagues during core working hours.

“What do you want?” Jaehyun asks lifelessly, eyes still glued to his monitor. Yuta is the type of creature that feeds off people’s reactions, so Jaehyun has learned to give him none.

“Nothing much,” Yuta says lightly. “I heard you have a crush.”

Jaehyun immediately stops typing. He spins around in his chair.

“What did Sicheng tell you?”

“He’s my boyfriend,” Yuta snorts. “Why wouldn’t he tell me everything?”

“Goddamnit,” Jaehyun mutters, burying his head in his hands. “I seriously regret introducing the two of you.”

“And I seriously thank you,” Yuta grins back. “We just hit our one year anniversary last week.  _ GOD  _ it feels great to be cuffed. But anyways, back to you.”

“Can we not do this right now—”

“So you’re telling me that this nice and hot man, who you haven’t seen for  _ years _ , is still nice and hot and he  _ drove you home—” _

“He didn’t drive me home,” Jaehyun corrects. “He just offered.” And a part of Jaehyun wanted to say yes but another part of him was more sensible and called an Uber. They’re not in college anymore. Jaehyun can (regrettably) handle himself.

“Oh, but he  _ OFFERED—” _

“Can you keep it down?” Jaehyun hiss-whispers. “Taeil’s office is  _ right there.” _

“Taeil doesn’t care,” Yuta scoffs. “The holiday party is this weekend and no one gets work done this time of year. Taeil hasn’t given a fuck since last month.”

Jaehyun pales in response. “Wait, that’s this weekend?”

“Yes,” Yuta grins, looking absolutely maniacal. “And I heard there’s going to be an open bar again. You know, just like last year when you—”

Jaehyun cuts him off. “Okay, okay. Why are you talking so  _ loud.” _

“Because it’s fun to get you riled up,” Yuta smiles. “You get so flustered over nothing. Don’t worry, I’m sure your crush likes it when your ears turn red.”

Jaehyun instinctively slaps his hands over his ears, a completely useless action since Yuta has already seen all there is to see.

“Fuck,” he swears, betrayed by his own body.

Yuta cackles loud enough to echo across the entire floor. Taeil emerges from his office with a stone cold expression.

“Get back to work, Nakamoto.”

“Yessir!” he says, returning to his desk and finally leaving Jaehyun in peace. Well, at least until this weekend.

  
  
  
  


The campus grocery store is usually pretty good about stocking up everything a degenerate college student might need but today, for some reason, there are absolutely no—

“Where are the goddamn Oreos?” Jaehyun hisses, scanning the shelves as he sifts through packages of cookies made by far less superior brands.

“You want them that bad?” Johnny laughs. “Just get a pack of Milanos and call it a day.”

“Oh,  _ god no.”  _ Jaehyun shoots him a look of disgust. “Never say that to me again.”

“You really want your Oreos, don’t you?”

“Give me a break,” Jaehyun whines. “I got like, two hours of sleep.”

Johnny raises an eyebrow. “Working on an assignment? I thought you said you finished it.”

Jaehyun straightens his expression, internally cursing himself for overlooking Johnny’s habit of remembering everything. It’s no wonder he got accepted into his program. His memory must be amazing.

“I did finish it,” Jaehyun says sheepishly. “I just have trouble sleeping lately.” Well, it’s not exactly a lie.

“Are you alright?” Johnny asks. His voice is filled with concern. “I feel like you don’t get a lot of sleep as is.”

Jaehyun shrugs, “I guess. It’s probably just stress, you know? Been having weird dreams and stuff.”

“Dreams? Like, nightmares?” Johnny’s ears perk up like a fucking puppy and Jaehyun doesn’t know what’s scarier, how whipped he is for thinking that it’s cute or how fast Johnny seems to be picking up on Jaehyun’s half-assed answers.

“Yeah, something like that,” he mumbles, busying himself with the cart as they turn into the candy aisle.

“Nothing too bad,” he continues. “Just makes it hard to get the full eight hours.”

“I get it,” Johnny says, looking through the rows of brightly colored plastic packages. “I always found it easier to fall asleep with someone else in the room.”

Jaehyun can practically feel his ears turn firetruck red. “Oh— um, you mean like—”

“Like, when a roommate is there. Or a pet dog,” Johnny laughs. It would sound innocent if not for the twinkle in his eye. What the fuck? Jaehyun’s mind sputters like a stalling car engine.

“I don’t have time to take care of a dog,” he says lamely.

“Yeah, neither do I.” Johnny holds up two bags of sour gummies. “Okay, which one?”

“Gummy bears.”

“But I want the gummy worms.” Johnny fucking  _ pouts. _ “I guess we’re getting both.”

_ “No,” _ Jaehyun says, watching in horror as Johnny tosses in both bags. “Doyoung asked us to pick up a couple of snacks and  _ this—”  _ he gestures to their overwhelmingly full grocery cart, “—is way too much.”

“Relax, I’ll pay.” Johnny flashes a bright smile. “Besides, it’s my going away party after all.”

  
  
  
  


Jaehyun’s job stresses him out sometimes and he hates dealing with his awful co-workers (actually, it’s just Yuta), but one thing he will admit is that his company knows how to throw a damn good holiday party.

“Hey,” Taeil says, three martinis in before dinner has even been served. “Do you ever wonder why they hold these things in January but call it a fucking holiday party?”

Jaehyun tightens the grip on his drink, vodka sloshing in the glass. “Um, why?” he responds, still not quite used to the prospect of his pristine boss cussing so openly.

“Renting out a venue in December is expensive as fuck,” Taeil continues. “You know they’re too cheap to blow money on shit like this.” He shakes the ice around in his whiskey highball and hold the fuck up, wasn’t Taeil  _ just _ drinking a martini?

“Oh, I never thought about that,” Jaehyun says, looking around to see which magical entity slipped Taeil another drink and maybe ask if he could please have one too? The line at the open bar looks long as fuck.

“But at least the steak here is good,” Taeil mutters, taking another sip. He eyes Jaehyun’s half-full glass warily. “You need to catch up.”

“I guess I do,” Jaehyun laughs weakly.

“Alright, come find me after you get another two drinks in you,” Taeil says. “I’m gonna go give Yuta a piece of my mind.”

And then he stalks off, no doubt looking to drunkenly instigate an argument that Jaehyun would rather be anything but involved with. He turns around quickly, surrendered to the idea of waiting in that long ass line, when the universe sends him yet another  _ fuck you _ and he collides with the man right behind him.

Jaehyun braces for impact, holding his glass up because if he’s going to fall, then at least he can save his drink. But the crash never comes because there’s someone catching him by the waist, bright eyes staring back.

“Are you okay?” the man asks. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going—”

“It’s fine,” Jaehyun says, straightening himself up and brushing imaginary dust off his blazer. “I was on my way to the bar and wasn’t looking either.”

“Well, that makes two of us. Do you want to head over there together?”

Jaehyun looks down at his glass, the ice melting against the sides. It’s kind of sad and he could definitely use another drink or five.

“Yeah,” he decides. “Let’s go.”

His name is Minhyuk and he works in middle management down on the fifth floor where the IT department is. Their company is quite large so Jaehyun isn’t surprised that they’ve never met before. What does surprise him is that he likes Minhyuk a lot. He’s funny, nice, and frankly, really hot.

“Annoying interns? Yeah, we had a couple of those,” Minhyuk says good-naturedly after hearing Jaehyun complain about Donghyuck for the last ten minutes. “Before he got hired full-time, Changkyun was the  _ biggest _ pain in everyone’s ass. Let me tell you about the time he…”

And while Jaehyun is positively enthralled about Minhyuk’s story of petty office drama, he really is, his eyes catch the sight of Yuta, at the other end of the cocktail bar, raising his eyebrows in the most annoying way.  _ Who’s that? _ he mouths silently, bringing his hands up to make a lewd gesture and oh god, Jaehyun has to tear his eyes away. He refocuses on Minhyuk, who’s apparently asked him a question and is waiting for an answer.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?”

“I said, are you free for dinner next week?”

Jaehyun gasps, lips parted slightly. Out of all the things he expected to happen tonight, this was not one of them. But unprepared as he is, Jaehyun knows a good-looking man when he sees one. A good-looking man who’s just asked him out. And— well, he’s not going to say  _ no. _ Besides, it’s not like he has anything else going on in his life.

“I would love to,” he says, flashing his best smile. The one that gets people going because it shows all his dimples. Jaehyun can be cute when he wants to; it just doesn’t happen that often.

“Great,” Minhyuk says, a smile spreading on his face too. “I think they’re serving dinner now, so I’m gonna go sit with my team. Talk to you on Monday?”

“Yeah,” Jaehyun grins. “Talk to you Monday.”

-

By the time the food is served, Jaehyun is absolutely starving. Taeil was right, the steak here is  _ great _ . He’s halfway through the entree when Yuta leans over the table, glass of red wine in one hand, and opens his big mouth.

“So, who’s the cutie?”

Jaehyun promptly chokes on his broccolini. Yuta watches uselessly as Jaehyun attempts to dislodge the vegetable from his throat, downing what’s left in his wine glass after he finally does. Oh, he’s definitely more drunk than he was ten seconds ago.

“That’s Minhyuk from IT,” he says, taking deep breaths because the taste of fresh air has never felt so good. “Feel free to have Sicheng stalk him on LinkedIn. We’re getting dinner next week.”

And Yuta, being loud as usual, “Oh, you’re going on a  _ DATE?” _

“I am,” Jaehyun replies, trying to ignore the fact that Taeil is unabashedly eavesdropping on this conversation. “He asked me out and I said yes. It’s as simple as that.”

Yuta’s fingers fly over the screen of his phone, no doubt live-texting this entire conversation to Sicheng. Great, that saves Jaehyun from having to explain himself later.

“It’s not simple,” Yuta interjects. “It’s anything but.”

“What the fuck do you mean by that?” The question comes out muffled because Jaehyun is currently stuffing his face with the communal bowl of mashed potatoes.

“Jaehyun, look at me.” Yuta puts his phone down and levels him with an uncharacteristically serious expression. “When’s the last time you went on a date?”

Jaehyun sets his fork down and contemplates for a moment.

“You know,” he says. “I honestly can’t remember.”

“Yeah, that’s the  _ thing.  _ You never go on dates. Why did you say yes to this one?”

“Why not?” Jaehyun shrugs, rolling his eyes because he doesn’t really feel like being psychoanalyzed right now. “Does it matter?”

“You tell me,” Yuta continues. “And what about Youngho? Did you forget all about him?”

Jaehyun scoffs. He couldn’t forget about Youngho even if he tried.

“Youngho is just a friend. He barely knows that I exist.”

Yuta purses his lips.

“Fine,” he relents. “Have it your way.”

And then he picks his phone back up, probably to text Sicheng about how much of an ass Jaehyun is being right now, but it’s fine. The bottom line here is that Jaehyun has a date with someone next week. That someone isn’t Youngho, but that’s fine too.

It’s not like that would ever happen anyways.

  
  
  
  


Word travels fast. Jaehyun curses himself for forgetting the fact that Sicheng’s roommate is Ten, and Ten attends the same book club as Taeyong. Naturally, it gets brought up again.

“Heard you went on a date,” Doyoung asks. The statement is innocent enough, if not for the fact that he just announced it in the middle of their game of King’s Cup. Right in front of Youngho. Jaehyun closes his eyes and silently wishes for the sweet release of death.

“Um, yeah,” he says. “It got rescheduled, though. To next Tuesday.”

The entire IT department stayed late all of last week, working on a new patch release. Minhyuk had sounded really sad, saying he felt super bad. Jaehyun had insisted it was fine, feeling disappointed but strangely relieved, until Minhyuk had tacked on: _can_ _we schedule?_

Jaehyun had nearly stood paralyzed at the question.  _ Of course _ , he texted back, because what else is he supposed to say? This is happening, just like he agreed last time. Just like he agreed this time. He just didn’t think he would get exposed like this.

“A date?” Youngho asks, his interest clearly piqued. There’s a look in his eyes but Jaehyun can’t tell what it is. Youngho has always been so hard to read, or maybe Jaehyun is just bad at understanding. Maybe it’s both.

“Yeah, just a date,” Jaehyun says, almost losing his breath. “Nothing too special.”

Youngho turns to Doyoung. “This  _ is  _ special, right? You said Jaehyun doesn’t go on  _ dates.”  _ His tone is half teasing, half… something else. It’s making Jaehyun lose his mind.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” he says to Doyoung. “Why don’t you go around airing out all my dirty laundry, then?”

Doyoung just shrugs, infuriatingly calm as usual. “It’s not like I was gossiping about you. And it’s true, you never go on dates. What’s special about this one?”

The question mirrors what Yuta had asked—  _ why did you say yes to this one?  _ Jaehyun immediately decides that he needs some new people to hang out with. Aren’t friends supposed to enable your bad habits? Not point out your character flaws in hopes that you’ll become a better person? Jaehyun really can’t do this right now.

“I just wanted a change of pace,” he says, and it’s a half-truth. He does want a little change. It’s not that life has been boring lately but rather, it scares the shit out of him. He feels like he’s running very fast, but going absolutely nowhere. Minhyuk is nice and easy to talk to. A distraction could do Jaehyun some good. It’s not a lie at all.

Taeyong, being an angel as usual, chooses that moment to cut in.

“Well, I for one am very excited. I’m glad for you, Jaehyun. I hope you look forward to it.”

“Thanks,” Jaehyun mumbles, fingers circling his glass. It contains a deadly concoction of soju and beer and he kind of wants to down it all at once.

“Yes, I’m excited too,” Doyoung offers, a strange glint in his eyes that most definitely means he’s about to say something that’ll make Jaehyun seriously consider assisted suicide. “I just didn’t know you were into older men, you know.”

Jaehyun feels his face heat up. “He’s not that old. He’s twenty-seven.”

“I guess,” Youngho hums amiably. “Just a year older than me. I don’t really want to consider myself old.”

“I suppose it makes sense,” Doyoung says, swirling his drink around. “Jaehyun seems like the kind of person who’d want to be taken care of in a relationship, right?”

“Aw, who wouldn’t love to take care of Jaehyun?” Taeyong gushes.

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “Babe, you sound like a parent.”

Meanwhile, Jaehyun burns in embarrassment, nailed to the ground while he hopes the rest of them don’t realize that he’s quite literally dying right now. Okay, so what? Jaehyun is kind of a baby boy sometimes. Did they really have to talk about this in front of the one person that Jaehyun has exceedingly fantasized about being taken care of  _ by?  _

He can’t help it. Youngho just maintains such a reassuring presence. Maybe it’s his stature, the way he’s so capable, or the fact that he’s just smoking hot. Jaehyun would fucking love to be  _ taken care of _ by Youngho. And for that reason, he can’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

“Haha,” he says instead, weakly laughing it off. “I guess I really am the youngest here.”

And then he blindly grabs a glass and drinks half of it, which later proves to be a mistake because one, it wasn’t his drink, and two, it was filled with tequila.

-

Jaehyun wakes up to the soothing sound of the road, street lights flashing by as he slowly blinks awake. He’s slumped in the passenger seat of an unfamiliar but not unknown car. 

“You alright?” Youngho asks, giving him a side glance before reverting his eyes back on the road.

_ Ohnonono,  _ Jaehyun thinks,  _ not again.  _ Hell must be real because Jaehyun is living it right now.

“I’m fine,” he croaks, slowly sitting up. “Did I fall asleep?”

“You did,” Youngho nods. “I offered to drive you home. Doyoung gave me your address.”

“How are you coherent?” Jaehyun groans, rubbing his eyes painfully. There’s cobwebs in his brain and everything moves too slow. The only thing he’s sure about is the fact that he’s mortified.

“I had a lot of time to sober up,” Youngho explains. “We were there for awhile.” Jaehyun immediately checks the time.

“Christ,” he hisses.  _ 5:47. _ How fucking drunk was he?

“You weren’t too drunk,” Youngho assures him. “Just really tired, I think. You passed out around midnight. The three of us just ended up talking for a long time.”

Ah, yes. Jaehyun remembers now. Doyoung has a penchant for buying the world’s worst alcohol and Jaehyun promptly knocked out after drinking half his tequila. He remembers Youngho telling a funny story about the undergraduates he teaches and Jaehyun wanted to listen, he really did, but the drag of sleep weighed his eyelids down until he just couldn’t keep them open anymore.

“Sorry you have to do this again,” Jaehyun mumbles. It’s actually nothing, probably just adds twenty minutes to Youngho's commute home, but Jaehyun imagines that it’s quite annoying. He wasn’t  _ trying _ to con a free ride but here he is, being driven home by someone who was probably too nice to leave him passed out on Doyoung and Taeyong’s couch.

“Again?” Youngho laughs. He flexes his grip on the steering wheel. “That was, what? Almost three years ago? I didn’t even think you remembered.”

Oh, Jaehyun remembers. He remembers everything all too well, but that’s just embarrassing to admit.

“You were really nice to me that summer,” he vaguely says instead. “I didn’t forget.”

“I’m glad you didn’t forget,” Youngho replies, pulling up to the curb of Jaehyun’s apartment. Jaehyun watches him take the key out of ignition. “I’ll walk you up?”

It takes Jaehyun a moment to register the question. If Jaehyun were Youngho, he’d just drive away now and get into bed as soon as possible. But Jaehyun also feels extremely exhausted, still a little drunk, and a headache is forming behind his eyes. He really doesn’t want to take advantage of Youngho’s kindness but god help him, he might need some assistance getting upstairs.

“Sure,” he says, reaching for the car door. “That would be nice.”

The doorman is gone on weekends, which is great because Jaehyun doesn’t know how he’d deal with the shame of being witnessed coming home at six in the fucking morning. The elevator ride is quiet and Jaehyun nearly passes out from how bright the fluorescent lights are in his eyes. Youngho sticks out a hand, steadying his shoulder.

“Easy there,” he says, and if Jaehyun had the energy, he’d claw his own eyes out.

Youngho helps guide Jaehyun down the hallway, idly chatting about graduate life and the other candidates in his program. Jaehyun doesn’t really have the mental capacity to offer any opinions but it doesn’t seem like Youngho minds. 

_ This is nice, _ he thinks. All of this is nice. When did being with Youngho become so easy? He just continues talking in that comforting voice of his until they get to Jaehyun’s door and dismayed, Jaehyun loosens his grip on Youngho’s arm.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, fumbling with his keys. The door isn’t quite opening when he turns the lock and his clumsiness seems to amuse Youngho.

“You’re hopeless,” he laughs and Jaehyun nearly snorts because yeah, that statement is unfortunately true in more ways than one.

“Help me,” he whines, extracting the key and looking down to realize that he literally can’t tell the difference between his mail key and apartment key. He squints and his vision doubles. God, is Jaehyun  _ dying? _

“Here, let me—” Youngho says, taking the keys from Jaehyun. His hands are warm and Jaehyun kind of wants to pitch forward and bury himself in that warmth. It’s a good thing he’s so out of it, otherwise his entire face would be flaming red right now.

The door clicks open and Jaehyun would’ve stumbled in immediately, if not for the fact that Youngho is kind of in the way. Oh yeah, Jaehyun should probably thank him.

“Thanks for driving me home. You really didn’t—” he looks up into Youngho’s clear, bright eyes and his voice nearly dies in his throat, “—have to do that.”

Youngho just smiles, anchoring a hand on Jaehyun’s shoulder, and Jaehyun wants to set himself on fire.

“It was nothing,” Youngho says. “I know it’s been awhile, but you can still call me if you need anything. You still have my number, right?”

Jaehyun blinks dumbly. How did he forget that he still had Youngho’s number this entire time?

“I do,” he finally answers. “I still do.”

“Well, text me,” Youngho laughs. “Not now. Later, after you’ve gotten some sleep. Have fun on your date, by the way.”

“Sure,” Jaehyun mumbles, nudging inside his apartment.

Youngho gives one last goodbye and Jaehyun watches him trek down the hallway. Then he disappears behind the elevator doors and Jaehyun stops holding his breath, locking his door and leaning against it for a good second.

Youngho is just too nice. It would make things so much easier if he had a bad personality, but then Jaehyun wouldn’t have never liked him and this whole mess wouldn’t even exist in the first place. He’s like a beacon, far away, and Jaehyun wades endlessly but his hardship never lessens. Just when he thinks he’s over it, things are back to square one.

Jaehyun falls asleep thinking about that. How it flickers in the distance, further and further, before disappearing completely. The walls are wide again and he feels like he’s drowning, deep at the bottom of the dark ocean.

  
  
  
  


The date with Minhyuk goes well. Really well. Like  _ do you wanna come to my place _ well. And the part that came after that was pretty good too.

But then Jaehyun wakes up the next morning with a funny feeling in his chest. Early sunlight drifted through the blinds of Minhyuk’s bedroom, illuminating his regret, and Jaehyun instantly realized that he couldn't do this.

“Minhyuk,” he whispered, nudging the lump of blankets next to him.

“Yeah?” Minhyuk mumbled, slowly blinking awake. He had an awful case of bed head and damn _ ,  _ he was really fucking cute. It was such a shame because maybe in another life, Jaehyun would’ve been more than happy to let this continue.

“I don’t think we should do this again,” Jaehyun blurted out, because he just absolutely loves awkward situations and making things worse for himself.

For what it’s worth, Minhyuk had taken it pretty well.

“I could tell you weren’t really looking for something serious,” he said without a trace of bitterness. “At least, not from me.”

Jaehyun finds the last bit of his sentence especially alarming. It freaks him out so much that he texts his group chat with Sicheng and Ten —the one he confides in when he’s too scared of being judged by Doyoung. Not that Doyoung would ever be mean about it, but Jaehyun doesn’t want to bring up his dumb emotional problems with someone who’s probably getting  _ married  _ next year.

They gather at the 50s style diner that happens to be equidistant from all their apartments and exactly the kind of place Doyoung wouldn’t be caught dead in. Once the waitress serves them milkshakes and fries, Jaehyun finally gathers his wits and clasps his hands.

“I now call forth the Council of Simps. Thank you for coming.”

“Um,” Ten says, clearing his throat. “I don’t know how else to say this, but Sicheng and I are both in loving relationships. The only simp here is you.”

“It’s the name of our group chat,” Jaehyun groans. “What else am I supposed to call you guys?”

Meanwhile, Sicheng ignores their bickering and wastes not a second to tear into Jaehyun.

“Alright, what’s the deal with Minhyuk? He’s hot, he’s nice, and you guys had great sex. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“How do you know he’s hot?” Ten asks, ears perking up. “Is that what Yuta said?”

“Damn,” Jaehyun comments through a mouthful of fries “I don’t know how I feel about my work-husband checking out other guys.”

Sicheng sends him a death glare. “Call my boyfriend your work-husband again and I’ll break both your legs.”

“Well, I’m the one that introduced you guys.”

“Okay then!” Ten says, clapping his hands together. “Let’s bring it back. What’s the problem with Minhyuk?”

“There’s no problem,” Jaehyun says, turning slightly pink under the memory of their date.  _ Definitely  _ no problem there.

Sicheng narrows his eyes, looking equal parts pretty and dangerous. Maybe Jaehyun should’ve sucked it up and asked Doyoung for advice instead.

“If there’s no problem, then why is there no date number two?”

“Um,” Jaehyun says, wracking his brain for an answer. “I’m not looking for anything serious—” he cowers under the weight of his friends’ scowls, because anyone who’s met Jaehyun knows that he’s exactly the boring type of loser who  _ fantasizes  _ about a monogamous, serious relationship, “—I wasn’t looking for anything serious from  _ him.” _

At first, he thinks it’s a cop-out answer, clearly ripped from the parting sentence Minhyuk graced him with when they decided to end things on a good note. But then the words leave his mouth and horrifically, Jaehyun realizes that it’s true. Sicheng still looks unimpressed.

“Alright,” he says, rolling his eyes. “At least we’re getting somewhere here.”

“So who  _ do  _ you want something serious from?” Ten asks, wiggling his eyebrows. Jaehyun would be fascinated with the movement of them if not for the crisis at hand.

“No one,” Jaehyun says, pausing. And then, in a quiet, strangled tone, “I still like Youngho.”

There’s a collective gasp at the table. Jaehyun briefly wishes for brain failure.

“I  _ knew _ it,” Sicheng says accusingly. “It was weird when you mentioned him out of nowhere.”

“Oh my god,” Ten says. “You don’t just like him. You  _ like _ like him.”

Jaehyun scowls.  _ Like _ like him? God, are they twelve? He feels small, like his love life (or lack thereof) is being dissected and examined on a sterilized table. Is this how Ten felt when all of them plotted to match-make him with Kun?

“Yes, I like him,” he hisses. “Say it louder for the people in the back, why don’t you?”

“Well, this makes things a thousand times easier,” Ten says, unfazed by Jaehyun’s growing distress. “You know what you have to do now, right?”

Jaehyun blinks. “Um, what?”

“You gotta make a move, you know—” Ten makes a suave gesture with his hand, “—you gotta slide in.”

“Are you crazy?” Jaehyun exclaims. “We’re not in college anymore. I can’t just say things carelessly like it’s  _ whatever—” _

“Can’t you?” Sicheng raises an eyebrow. “It’s not like you have anything to lose.”

_ My dignity,  _ Jaehyun thinks, before realizing he doesn’t really have much of that left either.

“Guys, this is Youngho _ ,” _ he says, as if putting an emphasis on his name would convey all the feelings he’s accumulated over these past years. “He’s leagues above me and also much older—”

“Three years isn’t that much,” Ten points out. “That’s the difference between Sicheng and Yuta.” To the side, Sicheng nods in response.

Ten is right. Three years isn’t much but between them, it feels like an ocean. This is Youngho, older and mature, who acts both his age and his height. Jaehyun can’t even make it to the bathroom in the morning without tripping on a pant leg, how can he even consider the possibility of dating someone like that? It’s impossible. Won’t happen. Will never happen. He should just stop thinking about this now.

Oh, but he can’t stop thinking about it. Every time Doyoung mentioned hanging out, Jaehyun miserably clung onto every word like an eager puppy.  _ Will Youngho be there? _ he wanted to ask, but that would’ve been worse than death, so he waited instead. And it seemed like he didn’t have to wait long because one morning, he woke up with a notification on his phone—

“He texted you  _ first?”  _ Ten gasps, sliding forward with interest at this fresh progression.

“It was nothing,” Jaehyun mumbles. Just a good morning text, and then  _ are you coming to Doyoung’s this Saturday?  _ The answer had clearly been yes. Jaehyun doesn’t know what he fears for more this weekend, his heart or his liver.

Sicheng fixes him with a razor sharp gaze. “He wants your dick, obviously. Why don’t you reward him?”

Jaehyun can feel the tips of his ears start to turn red.

“I don’t think he likes me like that.”

Sicheng stares at him. “Not with that attitude, you little bitch. Are you stupid? He’s nice to you. He drives you home without asking. He  _ texted you first.” _

Jaehyun wants to believe it but he knows better than that. Sicheng makes it sound so obvious but what he doesn’t know is how great of a person Youngho is. How nice he is to everyone. It’s just the way he is and Jaehyun is no such exception to his kindness.

“Regardless of that, it doesn’t matter,” he says, desperate to change the subject. “I just, you know, want to take it slow.”

Ten snorts so hard, he almost chokes on his milkshake.

“If you ask me, I think three years of foreplay is more than enough.”

  
  
  


Jaehyun is so fucked up that Johnny has to physically walk him back to his apartment.

_ “No,” _ he whines, trying to squirm out of Johnny’s iron grip. “How are you not drunk?”

“Tomorrow is moving day. I can’t be hungover,” Johnny replies good-naturedly. “Why are  _ you _ so drunk?”

It doesn’t even take a second for Jaehyun to answer that question. A drunk Jaehyun is also an honest Jaehyun, uninhibited and quick to say things he would otherwise never admit out loud.

“Because I’m sad,” he pouts. Somewhere, deep inside his mind, the logical part of Jaehyun screams in absolute embarrassment. The reckless part says  _ keep going. _

“I’m sad because you’re leaving,” he continues. “Tomorrow, you’re moving away and not coming back”

“Oh, Jaehyun.” The expression on Johnny’s face is the softest he’s ever seen. “I’ll miss you too.”

Johnny’s probably not lying, but Jaehyun is sure that he doesn’t mean it in the way Jaehyun wants it to. Of course Johnny will miss Jaehyun. They saw each other nearly every day this summer and it was all good fun. Johnny will miss Jaehyun, like he’ll miss the sunny weather when autumn kisses their freedom goodbye. But Jaehyun will miss Johnny much deeper, like how sunflowers miss the sun, wilting in the night while they wait for first light. For Jaehyun, that first light will never come. The walls are getting small again and Jaehyun hopes to god that he sleeps like the dead tonight

“Sure,” he mumbles, shoving his hand into his pocket and taking out his keys. “Can you help me open the door?”

“Of course,” Johnny says, taking the keys from him. He gingerly unlocks the door and helps Jaehyun inside, holding him by the waist. He flicks on the hallway light and Jaehyun suddenly feels everything in great clarity.

There’s a medley of emotions swirling inside him, rattling under his skin with adrenaline leftover from the party. He’s sad and worried and a little angry and above all, he is extremely nauseous.

“I meant it, though,” Johnny continues, an unmistakable fondness in his voice. “I really will miss you.”

And then Jaehyun realizes that it’s now or never. In real life, he’s a coward. But right now, at three in the morning with alcohol still running through his system, he wants to say what’s on his mind.

“Johnny,” he begins, his body already on the verge of passing out. “You know, I always—”

And then he doesn’t remember anything after that.

-

Jaehyun doesn’t rise until four in the afternoon the next day. He wakes up to the sound of Doyoung pounding on his window, demanding to be let in.

“Are you even alive?” he asks when Jaehyun finally opens the door. He strides into the apartment and Taeyong follows shortly after.

“No,” Jaehyun replies, collapsing on the living room couch in exhaustion. How is he still tired after more than twelve consecutive hours of sleep?

“You’re dehydrated,” Taeyong says, gently pressing a bottle of cold water to his face.

“Oh my god, thank you,” Jaehyun gasps, uncapping the bottle and drinking half in one go. Doyoung makes a noise of disgust.

“You’re hopeless,” he says. “I don’t think you would’ve even managed getting back here if it weren’t for Johnny.”

Oh, Jaehyun thinks. So  _ that’s _ how he got home.

“Ah, speaking of which—” Taeyong pulls up the calendar app on his phone. “We’re driving out to the city next week to go see him. You know, see how he’s getting settled in and everything. Do you want to come?”

Jaehyun seriously considers Taeyong’s offer. He really does. But then he thinks about his summer exams, the final papers he has to write, and his thoughts immediately deflate. Not to mention the fact that Jaehyun would rather jump off a cliff than see Johnny so soon after he had no doubt made a fool out of himself while blackout drunk.

“Ah, no,” he declines lightly. “I think I’ll sit this one out.”

Doyoung and Taeyong both share a look that Jaehyun doesn’t even want to think about interpreting.

“Okay,” Taeyong smiles instead. “There’s always next time.”

“Okay,” Jaehyun echoes, his mind already going to a far away place. “Next time.”

  
  
  
  


Saturday night at Doyoung’s goes late as usual, but this time, Jaehyun is actually sober enough to say yes when Youngho offers to drive him home.

“I’m surprised,” he says, unlocking the doors to his car. “I thought you would make a fuss, like every other time I’ve offered to drive you home.”

“Well, I know you won’t give up,” Jaehyun admits while sliding into the passenger seat. “So I decided to give up first.”

“I’m glad you did,” Youngho smiles, turning the car into ignition. “This is nice. I don’t like driving alone at night.”

The drive is quiet, lulls smoothly to the music of 2AM traffic, and Jaehyun finds that unlike before, he quite likes this. The silence used to make him anxious, a stifling awkwardness hanging in the air, but by now, Jaehyun knows that Youngho doesn’t mind it, so he doesn’t either. It’s nice to be able to enjoy each other’s presence like this. It’s probably nothing to Youngho but it’s nearly everything to him.

The invitation to come upstairs goes unsaid. Youngho rides the elevator with him and when they get to his apartment, Jaehyun asks if Youngho wants to come in for a bit, which, now that he thinks about it, sounds like something you’d say to get someone to spend the night but really, that’s not what Jaehyun intended to ask. It’s really not.

“Sure,” Youngho shrugs. “I could use some water.”

So then Jaehyun pours him a glass of water and now they’re sitting in his living room, facing each other on a couch while the TV is off. Jaehyun realizes that he doesn’t know where this is going. He truly doesn’t.

“How did your date go?”

Jaehyun freezes. The question feels like a cold bucket of water dumped over his head.

“It was fine,” he says, slightly strangled. “But I told him it wasn’t going to work out.”

And then, because things could be worse,

“I like someone else.”

Now it’s Youngho’s turn to freeze. There’s a brief expression of shock, which he immediately schools into something more neutral. 

“You like someone?”

“Yes,” Jaehyun nods meekly, realizing that alcohol was never the problem because he put himself in this situation while completely sober.

“Can I ask who it is?” Youngho asks, serious and inquisitive.

Jaehyun can physically feel his ears burning up. “Do you really want to know?” he asks, completely unsure if he wants Youngho to say yes or no.

Instead, he says neither. Something flickers across his face, a moment of realization.

“You know, I kind of like it when your ears turn red.”

Horrified, Jaehyun brings both hands up to cover his ears. “You noticed that?”

“Oh, Jaehyun.” Youngho’s gaze is calm. “I notice everything about you.”

Great, now Jaehyun’s entire face is turning red.

“Oh my god,” he says. It comes out muffled because he’s buried his entire head into his hands now. “I’m so embarrassed. I thought you just had a really good memory.”

“I  _ do _ have a good memory,” Youngho smiles. “Especially when it comes to you.”

Jaehyun looks up, on the verge of a breakdown. “Have you always been so…  _ flirty?” _

“Yes,” Youngho laughs. “You just never noticed.”

Jaehyun looks at him incredulously, suddenly realizing that he must be very late to a very _important_ party. He can be thick sometimes but he’s not stupid. Well, he’s a little bit stupid.

“Does this mean we could’ve been doing this a lot sooner?”

“What do you mean by  _ this?” _ Youngho asks. His smile turns sly and oh, Jaehyun likes that.

“I don’t know, um—” he gestures weakly between the two of them, “—this?”

Youngho looks at him sternly.

“Jaehyun, use your words,” he says, authoritative, and something awful inside Jaehyun kind of likes that too.

His voice becomes stuck in his throat. He swallows thickly at the realization that Youngho isn’t going to do anything until he asks him to. And maybe that’s what this whole thing has been about— Youngho, waiting for a signal, an indication, anything that meant that Jaehyun might reciprocate without throwing himself into a nervous fit. He’d just never been ready until now to realize that all he has to do is ask. Just ask, and Youngho would be more than willing to give.

It takes the full amount of courage inside him to say what he wants. Granted, that’s not much, but Jaehyun will work with what he has. After all, Youngho seems okay with it. Now Jaehyun just has to be okay with himself.

“I want you to kiss me,” he says. “Can you kiss me?”

“Yes,” Youngho says, leaning in close. “I thought you’d never ask.”

Youngho kisses softly and gently, in a way that makes Jaehyun’s heart ache just a little, and then a lot. There’s a brush of tongue on his lips and Jaehyun gasps, his sigh swallowed by Youngho, who rests a hand on Jaehyun’s face and tilts his head just right.

And then Youngho  _ really _ kisses him, deep and slow and so hot that Jaehyun might just combust on the spot.

He pulls back, for both his lungs and his sanity.

“Do you, um—” Jaehyun nearly chokes when he sees the way Youngho is looking at him, like he wants to eat him. “—want to stay over?”

Youngho doesn’t reply. Instead, he just leans forward and kisses him again.

  
  
  


It’s been years since Jaehyun actually sat down and ate a home-cooked breakfast with someone. In fact, he doesn’t even usually eat breakfast at all. But sitting at the dining table, watching Youngho flip pancakes in the kitchen, he thinks he could get used to this.

“What are you thinking about?” Youngho asks, a cheeky smile on his face as he sets down the plate. He’s wearing a borrowed sleep shirt and a pair of Jaehyun’s grey sweatpants and  _ god,  _ Jaehyun could get used to that too.

“You,” he answers honestly. “Us, I guess.”

Youngho fixes him with a serious look, which Jaehyun isn’t quite sure how to interpret. Maybe Youngho is still unreadable and maybe Jaehyun is still bad at understanding. But at least they’re starting somewhere and one day, they’ll get there. Jaehyun has faith.

“I’ve liked you since the summer we met,” Youngho admits, a light pink dusting his cheeks, and Jaehyun finally realizes that even the strongest of pillars are capable of crumbling.

“Really?” Jaehyun asks, even though it’s obvious that the pieces were always there, he just never put them together. “But you never made a move?”

Youngho sits back, laughing lightly. “You didn’t either. The time wasn’t right.”

“And it is now?”

“I think so,” Youngho replies. “How did you sleep?”

“I slept well,” Jaehyun answers. He did. He really did. There were no nightmares, no empty walls. It was just him, falling into deep, quiet sleep while tucked under Youngho’s arm.

“I told you,” Youngho grins. “It’s always easier to sleep with someone else in the room.”

Jaehyun finds himself thinking that even if the nightmares came back, he wouldn’t mind it so much if it meant he got to wake up to mornings like this. Youngho, sitting across the table, staring at Jaehyun like he means the world to him.

“You’re right,” he says, smiling back. “It’s a lot easier.”

-

_ I’m lost, with or without you. _

_ So let’s do this together. _

**Author's Note:**

> this has been sitting in my drafts for approximately ten million years and i really just wanted to get it out of the vault. thank you for being patient and reading through nearly 10k of jaehyun channeling his inner ~notice me senpai~ i really appreciate it! 💚💚💚
> 
> *yes this is a series and i do plan on tackling its dotae counterpart soon. if i get my shit together.


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